That Pain On My Left Chest

It's been quite some time I've been feeling this way. Childhood was for granted, life's ambitions were a far fetched dream back then. I'd live one day at a time with only school, cricket, tennis and fun with friends. But once I put myself out there, vulnerable, in this big, ruthless world, I've felt always felt stagnant in what I want in my life. To put it into a better relatable perspective, you could think of Porcupine Tree's masterpiece, 'Arriving Somewhere But Not Here'. That's how I've been feeling and it's been a long while. I sense like I'm arriving at all these different places or times in my life but they're not 'here', so to speak. I feel like all I'm doing is just traveling, seeing places, events, things move by like one does from the windowpane of a moving train. Maybe the 'here' is an ideal and utopian spot I've made in my mind. But I've just always felt that I'm just reaching places but not quite there, where I want or wish to be. 

But then, I possess very little clue of what I want. I've never had any sort of particular goal in my life. Like the ones that people put blood, sweat and passion in and work their way up the ladder till they get it. Neither do I have any convincing and adrenaline filled passion about working towards something. It's like a full circle of mind dissonance. It has come to a point where I don't know anything anymore, and it has weirdly started getting comfortable with this state of mind that I hold. Maybe because change is hard, flux is tense and just laying there idle gathering moss is easy, although still hard.

Tim Minchin in his beautifully articulated speech at The University of Western Australia says, that it's completely okay if you don't have a dream. The idea of which elders or people that linger around you shove it down your throat. He says be micro ambitious, work your way up the ladder in achieving short term goals. Adding them as feathers on your hat as you succeed in bagging them. But that in itself is a goal as well. So, here I am, back to square one. I'm lost. I'm clueless. Where do I go? How do I do it? What do I even need to do? It's a stormy affair of just questions, that brews and everytime it does, it comes back as a stronger storm. This leaves behind a battered and bruised mind. And I get tired.

Sure, life is meaningless and devoid of any cosmic significance, especially at the minuscule scale. But then they say we have to add meaning to it. I go haywire there. What meaning? I don't see any meaning in a wild and wretched storm. What helps? I don't know. I honestly do not know. 

All I know is it is tiring, and the burden of existence is taking a physical turn. My left chest feels heavy in this storm. Do I speak out or do I swallow, like I've always. And to whom? I'm clueless. I'm tired and all I'm doing is just arriving somewhere but not here.