October 29th, 2021

Today I feel lost again, I feel incompetent, unconfident, and just terrible. This immense wave of melancholia, worthlessness, happiness, grief and sorrow engulfs me as I write this. I wish life was easier, but maybe that would too have been morose somehow. I feel cornered with emotions, I am so tired, I can't even get up. Let alone muster the courage of getting up. I miss my childhood, those were such beautiful days without having the burden to carry your wishes and ride life's tumultuous waves. Grief only meant not being able to play cricket, happiness meant able to play. It was simpler times with truth and honesty at heart. But now, everything seems dystopian, from the meaning of life, to the its purpose, my own beliefs, character and maybe everything.

I don't even know what I want, what else would not make me feel this way. I'm tired of swallowing my emotions, my grief in return for not hurting people. And when I do express my emotions I feel even worse, because I feel in some way I'm hurting the receiver. Hence, I find this sense of corrosive comfort as I lament. It's easier to just sit in your pool of tears and sorrow than actually changing or living upto the image that you wish you were.

I have a hard time concentrating on work, hard time making myself belief that I deserve whatever good I get. Not when I'm confident but about things that ignite my low self esteem and my anxiety. Couple of bad incidents really have the potential to take your self esteem for a downward spiral. It's extremely hard to even get up from there. 

It's so defeating to know that, things in life, in general, are always so hard. The things that you wanna do, or wanna be, or the good in life is just so hard. But, to go haywire and descend into the crypts of despair is so easy. That in itself is the most existence questioning paradox. The absurdity of life, the meaninglessness behind it, or whatever meaning you'd like to give. Anyways, the blues shall get you someday. It doesn't matter whether your life is full of meaning or devoid of any. And I guess that's how life is.

But yes, today I feel worthless and incompetent.